Today I was thinking about all the things I have accomplished in the last few years. I am feeling a combination of pessimism and optimism at the same time. I’m trying to stay more optimistic, but its hard. So I thought a list might help. Especially as I did this yesterday for a few clients who needed their chart updated. I have all day to do whatever I want today, because I actually finished my paperwork yesterday. (10 assessments ya’ll. It was brutal). But my free day is shortened because of daylight savings Argh.
Anyway, in the last few years, since right before the pandemic, I… broke up and successfully moved on from a destructive relationship, took tennis lessons, paid off my student loans (still website pending), saved for a house down payment, trained my dog to not need her kennel, ran a half marathon, became dual licensed in WI, and completed ART training for work. I was also able to purchase a few housewares that I have been saving for, for a long long time.
What I’ve been really missing is travel and relationships though. I mean accomplishments are great. But I’ve tried several new relationships, and I haven’t found the right one yet. This is incredibly disheartening. There is no other way to describe this. I have learned about what I need in a relationship, and I’ve learned about my own lifestyle. Which perhaps has changed? I have discovered I am a minimalist when it comes to drinking. And I don’t think I match well with someone who isn’t a minimalist in this regard. I work really hard at my job and need someone who on some level understands this. I am actually pretty bookish, and I pair better with someone who matches a bit of drive. More so because I like to do things like read the New York Times and put my heart into my job. I didn’t realize how much of these things make up who I am. Not that my partner needs to be another me, but the difference can’t be too large.
And ya’ll, this last one is stupid but I think about Sam and Madison, or Madison and Sam, all the time. We were so close with compatibility. It still breaks my heart. And I wondered why I kept dating him despite some of the hesitation, and it remains that I couldn’t find someone else similar. There are a lot of people to weed through and he was, in many ways, what I wanted. We liked the same things. Except that he drank much more often and wanted to live in a small town, 30 minutes away from civilization. I think to myself that when I meet the right person, I will know that I was right to leave. But until that happens, its frustrating that I linger on it. I miss him when I watch Ted Lasso and eat ramen. Sigh.
I also think about how fixated I have been on my student debt, by financial constraints. And now that I make more money, you can rip my current pay scale out of my cold, dead hands. I never want to make less money than I do right now. I am so much more taken care of, and financially safe. But I managed before, which is nothing short of pure might and privilege.
Who I am, what I need, and what I want is much more clear today. This is huge for me. I just wish that were enough. I am enough, but I want more.