Today has felt like a rollercoaster. I was pleased with the forecast, it was finally sunny! Then hours later when the sun just would not fucking set, I was displeased. I am a pit of despair and a well full of hope. Contrasts. Opposites. Uncertain. I have been thinking so much more lately about topics like suffering, deprivation, and how to be treated well. I keep coming back to the statement my sister-in-law made about my nephew a few years ago- “he doesn’t need to suffer.” Which, I hadn’t really thought about before, that perhaps I had endured more than average. And was I, perhaps, letting myself suffer? That it was praised as, she can handle so much! And I lived that. In some ways.
I just signed up for a tennis class that I don’t think I’m qualified to do… And I’ve gone to exactly six yoga classes according to my new yoga studio. Here’s the thing- I’m bored and stressed at the same time. I want more social connection, but I feel very disconnected from some of my favorite people who are married and have babies. Who I would otherwise reach out to. I have been spending money just as much as I have been making it, and life feels like I am at a stalemate.
What I want more than anything is to have another Surly Furious, a bag of chocolate chip cookies, and a full cannon of television shows I am dying to watch. No such luck, I watched all my tv shows as of late.
What if I did yoga every day? It is so special. I am cursing myself for not trying that studio earlier. The pattern of me, is the frustration that I did not do things sooner. SOONER. I cannot make myself feel more urgent without feeling more desperate. So I am trying the fuck-its approach instead. Hence the tennis class.
Ya’ll. Why is it like this? The pandemic. It helped, but it hurt so, so much. It was the deprivation, a suffocation that I thought I did fine with. I was not fine.