I heard this phrase spoken to me this week. That I tend to, “wait and see,” instead of initiating things. Is there anything truer?
I’m in my new apartment now. I’ve missed my old place a few times, just a handful. I’ve had the keys four weeks now, and I’m so comfortable here. I feel different here too. I feel less rattled. I feel less like other people can rattle me. I’m not sure what to call this. Grounded does not fit. Settled is awkward, off. Perhaps its that I feel more whole, and less burdened. I think its something to do with feeling very capable too. I’m certain it has something to do with the weight of the door that closes behind me when I come home. The closets with built-in shelves and all the space I could wish for. Each item fitting neatly in place. The ability to change the thermostat on a whim. The strength of the water pressure, in the shower that is infinitely easier to turn on. The ease of it all. I melt. It was exactly what I was searching for.
And though its not perfect, its certainly fitting.
Not unrelated but seemingly related. In four months I will be eligible for PSLF. And this time it will be all of my loans, consolidated into one chunk. I requested a consolidation, which is usually bad news for pslf, but there is a special waiver out. I got a nice official letter that confirmed, in washington ink, that I will not lose any payment credits. I got brave enough to send the paperwork and I’m waiting to hear back and make sure everything works out. But it appears there are no reasons it shouldn’t. According to the washington ink.
All this about pslf to say, I feel like I’m finally able to tend to unfinished business. In just a few months this won’t be hanging over my head anymore. Its been a 10 year endeavor, longer if you actually count the months of graduate school where I slaved at an unpaid internship. I dream. I dream about the future. Sometimes to my detriment. But I’m hoping that it turns out better than I anticipated. I’ve been working so hard these last few years. To see things come to fruition, its hard to describe exactly how I will process that reality. I have factored this loan program into countless decisions. It will be many thousands of dollars, which feels smaller now compared to how behemoth it felt at twenty-two. Was it worth? I’m honestly unsure. It could have gone a million other ways. Everything in life could have gone a million other ways.
But that’s the past now. And the future its truly beyond.