Today I feel a warm glow in my heart. All over my body. Winter is setting in. Outside I can hear the cars driving home after a long week. I am tucked away in my apartment, awaiting a light snow that will fall later today. There are string lights in windows and doorways and lampposts, reflecting this sparkle; a type of magic. And one could easily say this is because of a certain someone in my life. And they are both wrong and right at the same time. Because there is someone, but that someone is me.
A few years ago I attended a wedding for a wonderful friend from high school. I don’t think I’ve ever been more miserable at someone else’s wedding. I won’t get into details because it wouldn’t be fair to her. But the relevant part is, I received a charm in the shape of an anchor as a favor. And I hated it. It represented something so demonstrably far away from what I felt. It had a note on it that read my fortune, that I would have stability in my life. This was meant to be a blessing; but the goodwill was lost on me. Paradoxically, I was moments away from a break up a long time coming. You could see it a mile away, but I was truly crushed. It was not the moment to hand me and anchor and ask me to smile.
Seminal moments always seem so clear in the rearview mirror. The wedding was a vision of how far off track I had gotten. The anchor was a slap of reality I had been so adept at ignoring. And the split is now one of the best things that have happened to me. Because it set my life in another direction. It recasted my sails without my permission. Weeks after that wedding, the pandemic hit. Its been three years since that November, and as the pandemic fades, I feel more and more like that anchor. Waves come and I just weather them. I am no longer drawn to the flames that could burn a house down. I am a steady glow. The kind of light on a hill that guides you home.
Last weekend was Thanksgiving and my feathers were not ruffled. My day was not rushed. My mind was at ease. As Pia Mellody says, when you live a life of abundance, problems no longer seem personal. And despite my recent lack of new savings, I do feel abundant. My PSLF is one month away. I gave my office a refresh for the new year, and graduated some clients. And I am setting calendar dates for 2023.
And to top it off, the best news of all, my ring returned home to me. With a little help from a certain someone. And that someone was not me.