I decided a few hours ago that work is not happening tomorrow. My brain feels so full, so stuffed. I feel guilt but also I just don’t think I have the attention to give my work justice. I could take all the blame on myself, that I was staying up late this week. Watching endless tv. What is with me and all this tv? But I think its a sign that I haven’t had a day off in a long time that was not dedicated to a training, traveling, or recovering. Paperwork has felt insurmountable. Poppy has been a low priority.
All I want to do tomorrow is work out and bake cookies. And this staying up late translates to a self-sabotaging rebellion where I try to take my time back. But in doing so I make myself less useful. I think its a sign that I need down time. I also want a vacation. But planning that vacation sounds hard? Why? Also like so expensive?
Sometimes I go back and re-read old posts. Its crazy how my energy and moods fluctuate. My most complaining of words I sometimes don’t publish. I like that I come back to this place. There was a word I was looking for a few months ago. The word is regulated. Because it was absent when things were a little difficult there for awhile. My ring is gone. I was tearing myself apart looking for it. It was like attending a funeral. I still feel misty-eyed, missing my ring. I started to let go a little bit, and that’s when I started to feel regulated again. I finally had the guts to shower in my shower again. I finally surrendered to the reality.
My ring has decided to go missing; and I wonder if my grandmother is trying to tell me something. Either wake up and pay attention, or make space for something new.